E-mo-tional Roll-uh-coast-uh....

Whew! Last week was a trip. More like an emotional rollercoaster. My Twitter peeps were very understanding and encouraging during this time. Now, I feel like sharing the details with them.

Last week, on Monday at about 6:01 pm…I was racing driving down the street to catch the interstate to take my little sister to color guard practice when my car speakerphone rang.

It was BF. *I hit the green button on my dashboard; car announces: “Discreet Mode” and I grab my mobile device.*

Me: Hello?

Him: Hey, whassup.

Me: Hey!

Him: Yea, whassup?

Me: Um, huh? You called me. What’s going down?

Him: Um, are you busy?

Me: Just driving, taking my lil sister to color guard practice.

Him: Color Guard?

Me: Yea, at her high school.

Him: Oh, so more like negro-guard, huh?

Me: Ha! You’re stupid. Anyway, whatcha need?

Him: Um, I got a job offer from the [Largest Employer in the World] and I don’t know what Roommate is going to do, but I wanted to know if you’d be interested in renting the house.

Me: Oh, um, well, how much you renting it for?

Him: I mean, it’s something we’d have to talk about. I wouldn’t try to kill you.

Me: [pause] [pause] [pause] WAIT A MINUTE? WHAT?!?!?!?!?!? [Largest Employer in the World]? Moving? New Job? WHAT?!?!?!?!? You’re gonna leave me?

Him: [Silence].

Me: Hmmm, that would explain my dream of you moving.

Him: Yep!

Me: Um, you know what? I’m in the middle of trying to drive on [the interstate] in rush hour traffic. And this conversation is really jacking up my concentration. I’m gonna call you back.

*click*

My mind is going a million miles a minute. Moving? What? Why in the world was he acting like he wasn’t going to take me with him?

I drop my little sister off at practice and I take the street route home so I can call back. I just didn’t believe him. He’s gotta be playing a joke, right? This has to be a joke, right? I mean, this wouldn’t be the first time he’s played a joke on me, so yeah, this is a joke.

So I call him back.

Me: Are you being for real? Or are you just playing?

Him: No, I’m dead serious. I just got off the phone with my Mom to click over to talk to you…

Me: None of this makes any sense. None of this makes any sense.

Him: Why doesn’t it make sense {WifeofUriah]? Tell me why it doesn’t make sense?

Me: Because I know how this story ends, you butthead! We get married in Mexico. We’re gonna have two boys. One darkskinned. One lightskinned. And I’m certain one has reddish hair. And the first one will be here before 2010 is over!!!! Because it just doesn’t, [BF]. Um, I’m going to get off the phone now and cry. I’ll call you back.

Him: Fine.

He hangs up so fast, the phone gives busy signal….

What?!?!?! Enter tears now.

Why in the world is BF acting like that? And why in the world did he just drop that information on me like it was “no big deal”. Like I wouldn’t be emotionally upset by what he just said. And I can’t believe he had the nerve to ask me to RENT his house out, which might continue to be occupied by Roommate? Man, none of this made sense…

See, in April I had this dream about BF. Now, I only told BF a portion of it. That portion was that he was moving into a new house. When I told him, his response neither confirmed or denied what I dreamt. Typical BF move. He’s a stubborn bull.

But…I didn’t disclose that me and my daughter were with him.

*****Begin Scene: I first saw the houses and sidewalks of a neighborhood that reminds me of a black neighborhood in my current city. Next, I see BF was moving a bunch of boxes into the basement of a house in this neighborhood (that was not his current home). He moved in the last box into a room in the basement where me and my daughter were standing. As he stood in the doorway, he said to me: “Finish putting up the rest of these boxes. I have to go to work.” I knew we were in a basement because I saw a small rectangular window up near the ceiling and had protective (but decorative) bars over them, and the ground/grass was at eye level. The next thing I saw was me and my daughter driving in the neighborhood, up and down hilly streets - very reminiscent of Windsor Hills/Baldwin Hills/the Dons in Los Angeles. The neighborhood reminded me of a historically black neighborhood - rich in history and occupied by financially well off black residents. End Scene*****

Despite knowing what I knew, I cried. BFs delivery of the news and the manner in which he delivered the news hurt my feelings. Deeply. I was upset, confused, and angry. And it made me forget what God has already told me…and focus solely on what I was seeing with my natural eye.

I picked up my little sister from practice, dropped her off at home, and promptly drove my self to BF’s house for a face to face battle discussion.

This dude was pretending he was busy filling out paperwork. Then had the nerve to say, “Well, I’m about to get into the hot tub” and proceeded to change to get into the hot tub. What?!?!?! I didn’t come over here to get in the darn hot tub!!!! Whew Lawd, he’s hot. Focus, girl, focus on this discussion that you’re having with yourself. He just kept saying he didn’t understand why I was acting ridiculous. “Why are you acting so crazy?” Hmm, [WifeofUriah]? Why are you acting so crazy?” And then he had the nerve to say “I didn’t act ridiculous when you moved to the West Coast.” AAAAAARG!!!!! This is not about me!!!!!! So, I just left. He was making me more angry. He had a slight smartypants attitude…a verbal smirk. I did not like it. I wanted to throw a brick in the windshield of his SUV and set his house on fire and I would have if it didn’t mean jeopardizing my licenses to practice law. I worked too hard for those. The thought of losing them keeps me from doing a lot of crazy things.

I got in the car to drive home…crying on the phone with BFF, my dream partner. We cross reference what God’s promised each other whenever one person gets hysterical over life’s events. But even this time she’s confused. I got off the phone because I needed to cry. And as soon as I got on a back road full of curves, trees, and bridges, I heard the voice of Lucifer say: “See? You did all this for nothing. You quit your job on West Coast, your $200,000/year job, your “you know you’re gonna make partner” law firm gig for nothing. You left the West Coast and all of its splendor for nothing. You’re out here in the Midwest, hustling hard to build a law firm of your own for nothing, barely staying afloat, for nothing. You’ve been giving your love away to BF…for nothing.”

And for the first time ever, I felt this feeling of worthlessness. I haven’t ever felt like that before. It was a feeling that God didn’t care about me or even exist for that matter. And for a split second, a suicidal thought creeped into my mind…that I should just drive off the road into a tree…off a bridge to end the pain and frustration that all of this was making me feel.

Suicide. Wow. Don’t misconstrue what was going on here. I didn’t have a suicidal thought simply because of a guy or because love wasn’t going right or because I’m financially out-of-sync. But because the devil was trying to convince me that God was a liar and didn’t exist. Trying to convince me that all of my faith, hope, and trust was misplaced and that it was all for naught. That my dreams are nothing but the result of eating too much cabbage late at night or something.

Never again will I talk badly about people who think about, attempt, or commit suicide. Never. I am not exempt from suicidal thoughts. I recognize that on that evening the only thing that separated me from the attempters and committers is that my experience with the One who holds tomorrow was a good enough reason to just see what was going to happen the next day.

The next day consisted of more crying, especially since BF had the nerve to ask me to write a letter of recommendation for him. You want me to do what? You’ve gotta be kidding me. But that conversation actually resulted in an great exchange of information: (1) that he only told two people about this move: Me and his mom (Bloggers Note: for all my readers who actually know my BF and see him out and about, um, this information is to be held within the strictest of confidence. Thank you for your cooperation) and (2) he confronted me about why, all of a sudden, I was no longer playing the “cool chick” role, but rather responding so emotionally and borderline crazy. So, for the first time EVER, I burst into tears with a man on the phone, crying out my feelings about a man to that man….ugh, mushy crap. Horrible. Even more horrible since God’s been telling me to disclose this to him for months…

I don’t have a happy ending to report…as of yet folks. Well, I guess I do. I’m doing much better. Haven’t cried about it since. I’m confident that God has a plan and that the main reason He discloses things to me is so when crap seems to be going wrong, I can have strength in knowing everything is going to be alright. Whew! Faith in God is absolutely essential. No matter what the heck your natural eyes see. God promised that my law firm will succeed. God promised me a musical career. God promised me BF and more babies and all that other great mommy stuff that I realized I didn't want to put off in order to “make it as a bigtime lawyer”. And I’m holding fast to His unchanging hand. Heck, to be honest, I don’t have any other viable options.

Until Manifestation,

TheWifeofUriah