Lust...is a powerful force.

I almost made a stupid mistake. Almost.

I really wanted to make this stupid mistake. Really.

Because when I saw him, even with all the protections I placed into the scenario, I still felt it. the push. the pull. the overwhelming power. of. lust.


Ugh.

Two points of today's blog. (1) Friends with Benefits are just dumb, and (2) do not underestimate the influence of lust. It will cause you to make decisions without even thinking about the consequences. Not care about the consequences. Heck, it causes you to act a donkey. Donkey.

Many moons ago, I met this guy. He was great. The more we talked, the more we discovered we had in common. The best part? He was a preacher's kid in the Church of God in Christ.

Recipe for disaster.

One of the unspoken truths about kids who spend an enormous time in church during adolescence/teen years is that you typically receive your first kiss, date, sexual encounter, etc with some other kid at church. Horrible, but true. I'm one of those kids who was in church on Monday nights for choir rehearsal, Tuesday night for prayer and bible study, Wednesday/Thursday night for auxiliary meetings, Friday nights for "Joy Night", and Saturday for youth group meetings and youth choir rehearsal. When a child spends that much time in church, his/her circle becomes the other kids in church. And since kids in church go through the same puberty as kids who don't attend church, the former group typically engages in sexual activity with other church kids. Sad, but true.

My first kiss? During the choir anniversary celebration. I was downstairs in the basement with the assistant pastor's son. It's crazy because I was an alto and he was our drummer. I still don't remember how we even snuck out that choir stand. Anywhoo....

This dynamic doesn't stop at the teenage years. It follows a church kid through adulthood (if he/she isn't practicing true abstinence). What I mean is that during adult hood, you aren't married yet, but really are not ready to practice abstinence, so to fake everyone out to believe you are remaining abstinent, you have to hook up with someone else who is also bound by those rules. That way, you're ensured they aren't going to squeal on you. Sad, but true.

So back to my story. When I met said guy and he said he was COGIC, it formed an instant bond. A COGiC kid has been through so much denominational events and meetings that you can already pretty much know how that person is and operates. We started studying together because we went to school together. We were chilling in my room studying. Next thing I know, we were getting to know each other. *clears throat* Horrible.

Even more horrible because I was still dating my daughter's father at the time. Even super super horrible because he was dating someone seriously too. But no big deal, right? I mean, no one is engaged or married. God doesn't recognize boyfriend-girlfriend relationships as anything, right?


Fastforward a year. We happen to meet up. And it happened again. and again. Trips out of town. Trips into town. This time, I was boyfriendless. But him, recently engaged. But no big deal, right? I mean, no one's married yet.

Fastforward several years. I touch down in his city. Shoot him an email that I'm in town, would love to meet up and catch up. This time, I'm in a serious relationship. Him - he's been married for several years. No problems now, right? I'm over you. I haven't seen you in forever! I go downstairs from my lodgings and let him in the building. Huge hug. Take the elevator up 18 floors. Enter apartment. Introduce him to my BFF and host for the weekend. We sit down and begin chatting. We looked in each other's eyes too long. And I felt it. If my BFF and the host were not present, we would have been having sex not even 5-10 minutes into our little visit.

I tried to stay cool during our conversation, thinking it was just me. Until...he got a little too close. Something jolted through my body. To make matters worse, I could hear him breathing just a little too hard and a little too fast. And if my friends weren't there, I would have sexed his brains out. Without giving it a second thought.

Not good.

Now, as ya'll would know from my previous blogs, I am practicing abstinence. It's been one year and 2 months. But the force that jolted through my body was so strong that I didn't just justify sex with my friend was okay, I bypassed that analysis altogether. My brain tried to remind me that he was married with two children. I pressed "Ignore". The force was so powerful, I will willing to throw away 1 year and two months of time for less-than-one-day romp in the sheets, not to mention get myself in deeper spiritual trouble.

Underestimated the power of lust. Overestimated the progress of my spiritual conquest of my flesh.


The worse part? the more advances he made, the more I became entangled. I knew I should have run away ("Resist the devil and he will flee", James 4:7) but I didn't resist. I encouraged it. He invited me on a "business trip" and my dumb behind actually said that I would consider it. Why in the world would I do that stupid crap? Lust is a helluva drug. RIP Rick James. RIP.

Anyway, I'm proud to say I did not engage in the actual act of sexing up (down?) this married guy. But I'm disturbed on how long my mind dwelled on in it as I drove back to my home town...and as I draft this blog entry.

Two more to go. He's definitely in that number, peeps. Keep me in prayer. I'm waiting on God to deliver my "The One" to me, but it was clear from this past weekend, that He can't deliver him to me because I'm still not single. This guy is still "in there". Gotta purge him out...fo' real. Before I do something real stupid.


Until manifestation,

WifeofUriah