The Key of David: my journey in Christianity

2010

2011-04-11T22:14:00.003-04:00

What I learned in 2010

What I can build with my giftedness, I can destroy with my character.

That I am still saved, but because I'm saved, I realize that my decision to sin was not becuase I had to do it, but because I wanted to do it.

That alcohol is a substance I should refrain from as it always leads me to make poor decisions

That partying/clubbing/lounging//mingling is an activity that I must participate in with extreme discretion.

That living a Christian life is more than about self getting to heaven, but also about living a life that will get others to become Christian and follow Jesus.

That by God allowing this to happen has exposed parts of myself that I hadn't really acknowledged before. For instance, that my celibacy was not rooted in God principles, but rather in pursuit of another man. That I was acting like a spiritual brat and when I didn't get my way fast enough, i dissed God and did my own thing.... to my detriment.

That although I knew my calling and gifts, I wasn't really ready for the responsibility that came along with it.

That I will never be too saved to succumb to sin, which is why it is so important to maintain a prayed up, fasted up, non-inebreiated state to keep your guard.

That I'm human.

Till next time,

wifeofuriah

Late Night Poetry finger snaps

2010-01-08T00:01:00.000-05:00

Thought it be grand/
as I watched the hands/
but a few moments till he's a chain in command/
but things got ugly/
cuz deep down he luh me/
but I betcha he aint know that it would end like *this*

(c) wife of uriah 2010

Delay...is not denial.

2009-11-10T15:05:00.001-05:00

Still figuring things out/
you say/
so in the meantime, I pray/
let the secular satisfy/
the Ethiopian appetite/
that your contemplations have/
built...brick by brick/
I try to lay this foundation/
but you won't give me mortar/
just Elmer's/
a cheap imitation/
cuz you do/
just enough to/
keep me in sight/
but never enough to solidify/
what your heart's already declared/
in the memo of yesteryear./
Dayum, go figure.

Until Manifestation,

WifeofUriah

Lust...is a powerful force.

2009-10-26T00:47:00.006-04:00

I almost made a stupid mistake. Almost.

I really wanted to make this stupid mistake. Really.

Because when I saw him, even with all the protections I placed into the scenario, I still felt it. the push. the pull. the overwhelming power. of. lust.

Ugh.

Two points of today's blog. (1) Friends with Benefits are just dumb, and (2) do not underestimate the influence of lust. It will cause you to make decisions without even thinking about the consequences. Not care about the consequences. Heck, it causes you to act a donkey. Donkey.

Many moons ago, I met this guy. He was great. The more we talked, the more we discovered we had in common. The best part? He was a preacher's kid in the Church of God in Christ.

Recipe for disaster.

One of the unspoken truths about kids who spend an enormous time in church during adolescence/teen years is that you typically receive your first kiss, date, sexual encounter, etc with some other kid at church. Horrible, but true. I'm one of those kids who was in church on Monday nights for choir rehearsal, Tuesday night for prayer and bible study, Wednesday/Thursday night for auxiliary meetings, Friday nights for "Joy Night", and Saturday for youth group meetings and youth choir rehearsal. When a child spends that much time in church, his/her circle becomes the other kids in church. And since kids in church go through the same puberty as kids who don't attend church, the former group typically engages in sexual activity with other church kids. Sad, but true.

My first kiss? During the choir anniversary celebration. I was downstairs in the basement with the assistant pastor's son. It's crazy because I was an alto and he was our drummer. I still don't remember how we even snuck out that choir stand. Anywhoo....

This dynamic doesn't stop at the teenage years. It follows a church kid through adulthood (if he/she isn't practicing true abstinence). What I mean is that during adult hood, you aren't married yet, but really are not ready to practice abstinence, so to fake everyone out to believe you are remaining abstinent, you have to hook up with someone else who is also bound by those rules. That way, you're ensured they aren't going to squeal on you. Sad, but true.

So back to my story. When I met said guy and he said he was COGIC, it formed an instant bond. A COGiC kid has been through so much denominational events and meetings that you can already pretty much know how that person is and operates. We started studying together because we went to school together. We were chilling in my room studying. Next thing I know, we were getting to know each other. *clears throat* Horrible.

Even more horrible because I was still dating my daughter's father at the time. Even super super horrible because he was dating someone seriously too. But no big deal, right? I mean, no one is engaged or married. God doesn't recognize boyfriend-girlfriend relationships as anything, right?

Fastforward a year. We happen to meet up. And it happened again. and again. Trips out of town. Trips into town. This time, I was boyfriendless. But him, recently engaged. But no big deal, right? I mean, no one's married yet.

Fastforward several years. I touch down in his city. Shoot him an email that I'm in town, would love to meet up and catch up. This time, I'm in a serious relationship. Him - he's been married for several years. No problems now, right? I'm over you. I haven't seen you in forever! I go downstairs from my lodgings and let him in the building. Huge hug. Take the elevator up 18 floors. Enter apartment. Introduce him to my BFF and host for the weekend. We sit down and begin chatting. We looked in each other's eyes too long. And I felt it. If my BFF and the host were not present, we would have been having sex not even 5-10 minutes into our little visit.

I tried to stay cool during our conversation, thinking it was just me. Until...he got a little too close. Something jolted through my body. To make matters worse, I could hear him breathing just a little too hard and a little too fast. And if my friends weren't there, I would have sexed his brains out. Without giving it a second thought.

Not good.

Now, as ya'll would know from my previous blogs, I am practicing abstinence. It's been one year and 2 months. But the force that jolted through my body was so strong that I didn't just justify sex with my friend was okay, I bypassed that analysis altogether. My brain tried to remind me that he was married with two children. I pressed "Ignore". The force was so powerful, I will willing to throw away 1 year and two months of time for less-than-one-day romp in the sheets, not to mention get myself in deeper spiritual trouble.

Underestimated the power of lust. Overestimated the progress of my spiritual conquest of my flesh.

The worse part? the more advances he made, the more I became entangled. I knew I should have run away ("Resist the devil and he will flee", James 4:7) but I didn't resist. I encouraged it. He invited me on a "business trip" and my dumb behind actually said that I would consider it. Why in the world would I do that stupid crap? Lust is a helluva drug. RIP Rick James. RIP.

Anyway, I'm proud to say I did not engage in the actual act of sexing up (down?) this married guy. But I'm disturbed on how long my mind dwelled on in it as I drove back to my home town...and as I draft this blog entry.

Two more to go. He's definitely in that number, peeps. Keep me in prayer. I'm waiting on God to deliver my "The One" to me, but it was clear from this past weekend, that He can't deliver him to me because I'm still not single. This guy is still "in there". Gotta purge him out...fo' real. Before I do something real stupid.

Until manifestation,

WifeofUriah

On the Topic of...Friends with Benefits

2009-10-11T21:15:00.011-04:00

A few weeks ago, a friend asked me to do a "Part Deux" guest blog. The topic: reasons why "Friends with Benefits" arrangements just don't work. Enjoy.

-----------------------
INTRODUCTION by the artist formerly known as Anesidora (now known as the DaughterofPriam):

Yesterday I discussed the scientific and biological reasons why a
Friends with Benefits arrangement just doesn't work. We're hard wired
for it NOT to work. Well today I'm featuring a guest blog post by
WifeofUriah that addresses the issue from a different aspect..... the
spiritual aspect.

Science and spirituality..... at first glance they are seemingly at
odds. But really they are in perfect harmony with each other. I may
seem like a big ole heathen not be the most religious person in the
world, but I do believe in a Creator and that there are forces and
energies at work that cannot be seen or explained within the realm of
human knowledge, but play a definite role in our lives. But whether
you can measure or observe it or not, it was all created by The Most
High as part of the same design. Hormones and biological processes are
only part of the story when it comes to intimate human relations.....I
truly believe that there is more. Whether you are religious or not,
really stop and think about what WifeofUriah has to say and I
guarantee you'll be able to identify with at least one point, but
probably more.

Ok, enough editorializing. Check out the FWB quandary from this
perspective, and let me know what you think. It's all about idea
sharing and diversity of thought here at AID. Enjoy:

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Before reading, you should note that I am a die hard Christian. Now, wait! Before you click the X in the corner of your computer screen, I should tell you that I’m definitely not your stereotypical Christian. I don’t believe in a bunch of rules. I believe that Jesus came and died to free me from religious rituals and rules because He knew I could never keep them. (“I did not come to condemn the world, but to save you from your wrong.” See, John 3:17). I believe that God wants a spiritual connection with me (i.e. a relationship), so, I live my life following Christ and allowing His Spirit to give me access the knowledge and wisdom of God, completely free from ~~weird customs and other man-made rules-o-crap~~ legalistic and religious bondage. In other words I’m definitely spiritual and, I believe everything happens in the spirit realm before manifesting in the natural realm and thus my blog post is coming from that perspective. But don’t get it twisted, whether you believe in God, gods, Christ, or Little Jack Horner, you will be unable to disregard the logic that’s about to smack you in the face. =)

Now, onto the topic at hand….Friends With Benefits. Anesidora did a fantastic post on the subject last night. I couldn’t agree with her more. So often, people try to say sex is just a physical act. But Anesidora definitely made it clear that it is an act with emotional attachment. If you need to re-read her post, please do that here.

I’m gonna take it a step further and say: Sex is an act with spiritual attachment.

“See, understand something my brothers and my sisters, men are, they are projectors…and women are receptive. They - men, they release and women, they get an impartation … You know why there is more pain for women that are single than it is for men? Men, after they project themselves and they get a release, what they’ve lost is strength. So, every time they sleep with a woman and that woman is not their wife, they’re losing strength. But see, every time a man sleeps with us, we’re getting a deposit. Now let me help you with something. If in fact, that the Scripture lets us know, that marriage is not going to the courthouse and standing in front of the altar, [then] our mates are chosen in the spirit realm. And I don’t know about ya’ll, but when I got my divorce, I went to court and the judge said to me, he said, “Was this marriage consummated?” And, you know, me being slow and from the ghetto, I leaned over to my lawyer, I said, “That’s a big word. What does that mean?” He said, “It means ‘Did you have sex with the man’?” And I said, “Well yes, I did.” He said, “Then, it was consummated.” Which means, it doesn’t matter [whether] you got a piece of paper. Once you have had sex with a man, then what happens according to the realm of the spirit, the spirit of that man steps in your body…and now you are attached.” Juanita Bynum, “No More Sheets” (1998) (start at 9:10-10:01) (0:00 to 1:10)

Yes, Ladies, I’m saying that every time we have sex with a man, we take in his spirit. Every time. Yep, go ahead and just count the number of sexual partners you have had. Yep, all them nuccus are in your spirit. Competing. War-ring. Trying to find their place…in a shared space. And when you take in a man’s spirit, it begins to make you connected to him. You made an FWB arrangement with a football player? You don’t even care for football. Now after having sex, you find yourself all up on him wanting to watch football. Before, you didn’t even think he was cute. You had sex with the lights off and shades pulled! But now? Now you can’t get him off your mind. Before, you didn’t have anything in common, but now? Ya’ll are starting to look alike, talk alike, smell alike… Spiritual Attachment.

Yes, Men, I’m saying that every time you have sex with a woman, you’re giving her your spirit. You’re losing a piece of yourself to her, losing a piece of your strength to her. And since she’s not your wife, (i.e. no real and absolute investment in this woman) she is completely unable to invest back into you to give you that piece of yourself back. Don’t believe me? Ever met a man whore? Ever picked up his energy and think, “Sheesh! What’s wrong with that guy?” Well, I’ll tell you. He’s depleted. It’s an energy of depletion. A spirit of not being made whole. He has given himself away to too many women without any way of being made whole again. Unfortunately, he keeps sleeping around in an effort to feel whole, not realizing he’s making matters worse…. Spiritual Depletion.

Your spirit is the very essence and core of your being. It is the way you are connected to God and are sensitive to the spirit realm. Because of this, it is imperative that you keep your spirit clean, whole, free of negativity and evil, and definitely free of any bondage. But when we enter into FWB arrangements, we end up making spiritual connections with people (1) we never wanted a connection with in the first place and (2) our spirit is being held captive/inhabited by that other person’s spirit.

So, while the FWB arrangement sounds great in theory, I’m telling you that no matter what you say or think, no matter how you try to frame it, FWB arrangements have serious consequences because it makes the participants “one in the spirit”, automatically intertwined with the spirit of another. You may not see it or feel it right away, but like I said – it happens in the spirit realm first.

That’s why:

- parents, when your children become sexually active, you can sense a change in their spirit when they walk past you.

- co-workers, when two co-workers start having sex, you’ll notice a shift in the atmosphere and can sense it when you walk past their cubicles.

- spouses, when your spouse dips out and cheats, you can sense it when they try to touch you.

It’s all because your spirit has picked up on the latest happenings in the spirit realm…

The most unfortunate part about it is that once the spiritual attachment takes place, you cant just say “Hey, I don’t wanna be intertwined with this person anymore” and then it be undone. No, no, no. If it were that easy, then divorce court would immediately sever all bonds between two previously married persons. No, no, my friends – in order to break the spiritual bond – you have to purge that person out of your spirit. A spiritual cleansing.

And…it can take weeks, months, or years.

Now, I can hear some of ya’ll saying: naw, I’ll be alright. Really? Until you are delivered from the spiritual consequences, you will never be satisfied in a relationship. Ladies, you can try to move on to a new man, but you’ll never be satisfied. Why? Because the new man’s spirit is competing with the spirit of the other men still in there. In your mind and spirit, you will be trying to make him like all the other men in there. That’s why you’re telling the new man: hold me like this, spank me like this, lift me like this, kiss it like this….you’re trying to make the new man do what Johnny did best, what Tyrone did best, what Brian did best, and what Ray Ray did best. Another example: have you ever been out somewhere and saw an old fling and something jump inside your stomach? Perhaps you get a flashback? Yep, that’s cuz you may have said it was over, but he’s still inside of your spirit and that spirit sensed he was around. YOU HAVE TO PURGE HIM OUT OF THERE!

Men, this goes for you too. You have to purge yourself of the women you’ve slept with, with the goal of being made whole, or restored. You can’t be all that you can be for “The One” if you’re still weakened by the deposits of pieces of your spirit in Tanisha, Ericka, Joy, and Lisa. Not to mention, you have to deal with the consequences of those women still being attached to you…So men, RECLAIM YOUR SPIRIT and BEGIN THE PROCESS OF RESTORATION!

Now, I practice what I preach. I have been celibate for one year and one month (trust me, I’m not bragging, okay?) It’s not to satisfy a religious rule, per se. It is because I am trying to prepare my spirit for “The One”. So many of us women want to be married/re-married, but as Bynum states in her message, we can’t get married because with all those men in our spirit, we can’t truly be labeled as “single.” I spend time before God and walking and talking with Him so that He may deliver me from the attachment to every man I have slept with, whether I slept with him one time, or one-hundred times. I’m proud to say I’m almost done. I’ve only got two more men to go. And whenever I’m tempted to do another FWB arrangement, I simply can’t justify it being worth the time of ~~stalking, feeling confused, getting pissed off, and wanting to be violent~~ purging.

Peace and Blessings,

TheWifeofUriah

2009-10-11T18:19:00.002-04:00

It's been a long time.

I've been praying and studying God's word.

Seriously.

But I've come come up for some air to blog about an observation I've made.

There's been a shift in the atmosphere.

It was the Sunday after my church's Women's Day. The Spirit of God had descended mightily upon our church. At that moment, my pastor declared that everyone get that "one thing" in their mind that he/she wanted God to do on their behalf and we were going to declare that "it is done."

I started praying on behalf of my BF, two law school friends, and another person. I was interceding for them; asking God to do what He had to do to get them in His Will.

That was on August 9, 2009. And by the time September rolled around, things started going "haywire". I can tell you that I have watched the lives of each person I prayed for be turned completely upside down since that time. I mean, unexpected twists and turns!
The (un)fortunate part is that I know that He definitely has more in store.

So, every now and then, I just have to shout out "It.Is.Done". God is faithful to the righteous. He really is.

Until manifestation,

TheWifeofUriah

Waiting for the Promised Land...

2009-08-03T22:46:00.007-04:00

Ya'll -

There is so much that I want to say. But it's so much, I feel overwhelmed trying to get it down in a concise, coherent way. Just know that I had a dream 8 months ago that showed me waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, for my BF to acknowledge me and our relationship - i.e. have his words line up with his actions re me. God has shown me so much (e.g. a calendar with our wedding date circled + me actually finding a calendar in his house with that month circled and labeled "Cancun"). But right now, NOTHING in the natural realm is matching up with the Promised Land. I'm still waiting... *sigh*

Anyway, the below is one of my late night poetic happenings (last night to be exact). Enjoy and keep in mind that I'm an artist and I'm sensitive about my....

---------------
"Perspective"

Took a look over my shoulder today /

Realized I gave you something... /

a while back. /

Well, not just to you /

Hindsight shows I've /

always given 100% of myself/

to what I've truly wanted/

but you? /

you, sir, are the only /

"hominidae, homo sapien" /

[male] /

who I let indulge in my unconditional devotion /

...that unabridged, unmanipulated /

uncompromising devotion. /

No. Regrets. /

But now it's a do or don't situation /

a quit it or embrace it kinda situation /

a forget about it or forge new life with it situation /

because we're on the verge of... /

maybe even sick of... /

Perhaps we've already begun the process of /

severing the ties that bind /

because when I turn my head to /

look forward /

it appears you're trying to let me go /

at a time where I want nothing less/

than to maintain a firm hold /

I get so confused at times... /

What can one say of a man who
will give a girl anything she asks.../

everything she asks... /

except what her heart delights in the most... /

Quality. /

Time. /

*sigh*

But I'll never know for sure /

because you keep pressing Ignore /

on the opportunities to /

converse and discuss (the ob-vee...) us /

Thought if I gave you space/

You'd come to the table /

face-to-face /

But again....hindsight reminds me that...

*sigh*

I grow weary /

in waiting... /

waiting for you to find the right time /

waiting for you to find the right words /

To just tell me what you want. In Life. From Me. /

I just need to hear you say it... /

Because unlike hindsight, /

the perspective I currently see will remain inherently skewed /

Until and unless *you* give me 20/20. by WifeofUriah (c) 2009

So I Finally Got the Guts to Say Something...

2009-07-05T00:44:00.006-04:00

Before you read this blog, you must read this one.

Okay....

So finally, more than a month later, I call up my friend and tell her.

Okay.... not really.

So finally, more than a month later, I text my friend and tell her. (punk move, I know.)

She immediately called me. Her words: "You know I take your dreams very seriously. After your MySpace blog about your vision about the answer for the California Bar exam, I take your dreams very seriously." My response: "I know. That's why it took me so long to say something. I just wasn't sure about the interpretation and didn't want to cause a panic, but I never got an interpretation. I feel it was just my duty to let you know."

Silence...

Her next words were: "[WifeofUriah], there's this girl that [my partner] used to talk to and about a month ago, I suspected they started talking again...and something wasn't right with that relationship, but I dismissed it as just nothing. But now I can't because you just described exactly what's going on. [Silence....] [WifeofUriah], we are planning to have a baby..."

I don't need to keep going. Ya'll know.

I don't claim to be anything other than a vessel of God. But to hear my friend on the phone tell me about what's going on with her and her spouse...I was relieved that I actually did tell her. Having a baby is a big deal and to find out that your partner isn't really that into you is kinda something you'd want to know. I was relieved because it was evidence to my friend that God is concerned about her enough to speak through someone else to capture her attention and prevent her from making an error. I was even more gracious because it confirmed for my friend that that "feeling" was the Holy Spirit talking to her and now, she's more sensitive to Him than she was before that moment.

And for me - it confirmed, yet again, that my dreams are not the product of anything other than God himself.

I am not crazy,

TheWifeOfUriah

E-mo-tional Roll-uh-coast-uh....

2009-06-14T20:39:00.004-04:00

Whew! Last week was a trip. More like an emotional rollercoaster. My Twitter peeps were very understanding and encouraging during this time. Now, I feel like sharing the details with them.

Last week, on Monday at about 6:01 pm…I was ~~racing~~ driving down the street to catch the interstate to take my little sister to color guard practice when my car speakerphone rang.

It was BF. *I hit the green button on my dashboard; car announces: “Discreet Mode” and I grab my mobile device.*

Me: Hello?

Him: Hey, whassup.

Me: Hey!

Him: Yea, whassup?

Me: Um, huh? You called me. What’s going down?

Him: Um, are you busy?

Me: Just driving, taking my lil sister to color guard practice.

Him: Color Guard?

Me: Yea, at her high school.

Him: Oh, so more like negro-guard, huh?

Me: Ha! You’re stupid. Anyway, whatcha need?

Him: Um, I got a job offer from the [Largest Employer in the World] and I don’t know what Roommate is going to do, but I wanted to know if you’d be interested in renting the house.

Me: Oh, um, well, how much you renting it for?

Him: I mean, it’s something we’d have to talk about. I wouldn’t try to kill you.

Me: [pause] [pause] [pause] WAIT A MINUTE? WHAT?!?!?!?!?!? [Largest Employer in the World]? Moving? New Job? WHAT?!?!?!?!? You’re gonna leave me?

Him: [Silence].

Me: Hmmm, that would explain my dream of you moving.

Him: Yep!

Me: Um, you know what? I’m in the middle of trying to drive on [the interstate] in rush hour traffic. And this conversation is really jacking up my concentration. I’m gonna call you back.

*click*

My mind is going a million miles a minute. Moving? What? Why in the world was he acting like he wasn’t going to take me with him?

I drop my little sister off at practice and I take the street route home so I can call back. I just didn’t believe him. He’s gotta be playing a joke, right? This has to be a joke, right? I mean, this wouldn’t be the first time he’s played a joke on me, so yeah, this is a joke.

So I call him back.

Me: Are you being for real? Or are you just playing?

Him: No, I’m dead serious. I just got off the phone with my Mom to click over to talk to you…

Me: None of this makes any sense. None of this makes any sense.

Him: Why doesn’t it make sense {WifeofUriah]? Tell me why it doesn’t make sense?

Me: Because I know how this story ends, you butthead! We get married in Mexico. We’re gonna have two boys. One darkskinned. One lightskinned. And I’m certain one has reddish hair. And the first one will be here before 2010 is over!!!! Because it just doesn’t, [BF]. Um, I’m going to get off the phone now and cry. I’ll call you back.

Him: Fine.

He hangs up so fast, the phone gives busy signal….

What?!?!?! Enter tears now.

Why in the world is BF acting like that? And why in the world did he just drop that information on me like it was “no big deal”. Like I wouldn’t be emotionally upset by what he just said. And I can’t believe he had the nerve to ask me to RENT his house out, which might continue to be occupied by Roommate? Man, none of this made sense…

See, in April I had this dream about BF. Now, I only told BF a portion of it. That portion was that he was moving into a new house. When I told him, his response neither confirmed or denied what I dreamt. Typical BF move. He’s a stubborn bull.

But…I didn’t disclose that me and my daughter were with him.

*****Begin Scene: I first saw the houses and sidewalks of a neighborhood that reminds me of a black neighborhood in my current city. Next, I see BF was moving a bunch of boxes into the basement of a house in this neighborhood (that was not his current home). He moved in the last box into a room in the basement where me and my daughter were standing. As he stood in the doorway, he said to me: “Finish putting up the rest of these boxes. I have to go to work.” I knew we were in a basement because I saw a small rectangular window up near the ceiling and had protective (but decorative) bars over them, and the ground/grass was at eye level. The next thing I saw was me and my daughter driving in the neighborhood, up and down hilly streets - very reminiscent of Windsor Hills/Baldwin Hills/the Dons in Los Angeles. The neighborhood reminded me of a historically black neighborhood - rich in history and occupied by financially well off black residents. End Scene*****

Despite knowing what I knew, I cried. BFs delivery of the news and the manner in which he delivered the news hurt my feelings. Deeply. I was upset, confused, and angry. And it made me forget what God has already told me…and focus solely on what I was seeing with my natural eye.

I picked up my little sister from practice, dropped her off at home, and promptly drove my self to BF’s house for a face to face ~~battle~~ discussion.

This dude was pretending he was busy filling out paperwork. Then had the nerve to say, “Well, I’m about to get into the hot tub” and proceeded to change to get into the hot tub. What?!?!?! I didn’t come over here to get in the darn hot tub!!!! Whew Lawd, he’s hot. Focus, girl, focus ~~on this discussion that you’re having with yourself~~. He just kept saying he didn’t understand why I was acting ridiculous. “Why are you acting so crazy?” Hmm, [WifeofUriah]? Why are you acting so crazy?” And then he had the nerve to say “I didn’t act ridiculous when you moved to the West Coast.” AAAAAARG!!!!! This is not about me!!!!!! So, I just left. He was making me more angry. He had a slight smartypants attitude…a verbal smirk. I did not like it. I wanted to throw a brick in the windshield of his SUV and set his house on fire ~~and I would have if it didn’t mean jeopardizing my licenses to practice law. I worked too hard for those. The thought of losing them keeps me from doing a lot of crazy things~~.

I got in the car to drive home…crying on the phone with BFF, my dream partner. We cross reference what God’s promised each other whenever one person gets hysterical over life’s events. But even this time she’s confused. I got off the phone because I needed to cry. And as soon as I got on a back road full of curves, trees, and bridges, I heard the voice of Lucifer say: “See? You did all this for nothing. You quit your job on West Coast, your $200,000/year job, your “you know you’re gonna make partner” law firm gig for nothing. You left the West Coast and all of its splendor for nothing. You’re out here in the Midwest, hustling hard to build a law firm of your own for nothing, barely staying afloat, for nothing. You’ve been giving your love away to BF…for nothing.”

And for the first time ever, I felt this feeling of worthlessness. I haven’t ever felt like that before. It was a feeling that God didn’t care about me or even exist for that matter. And for a split second, a suicidal thought creeped into my mind…that I should just drive off the road into a tree…off a bridge to end the pain and frustration that all of this was making me feel.

Suicide. Wow. Don’t misconstrue what was going on here. I didn’t have a suicidal thought simply because of a guy or because love wasn’t going right or because I’m financially out-of-sync. But because the devil was trying to convince me that God was a liar and didn’t exist. Trying to convince me that all of my faith, hope, and trust was misplaced and that it was all for naught. That my dreams are nothing but the result of eating too much cabbage late at night or something.

Never again will I talk badly about people who think about, attempt, or commit suicide. Never. I am not exempt from suicidal thoughts. I recognize that on that evening the only thing that separated me from the attempters and committers is that my experience with the One who holds tomorrow was a good enough reason to just see what was going to happen the next day.

The next day consisted of more crying, especially since BF had the nerve to ask me to write a letter of recommendation for him. You want me to do what? You’ve gotta be kidding me. But that conversation actually resulted in an great exchange of information: (1) that he only told two people about this move: Me and his mom (Bloggers Note: for all my readers who actually know my BF and see him out and about, um, this information is to be held within the strictest of confidence. Thank you for your cooperation) and (2) he confronted me about why, all of a sudden, I was no longer playing the “cool chick” role, but rather responding so emotionally and borderline crazy. So, for the first time EVER, I burst into tears with a man on the phone, crying out my feelings about a man to that man….ugh, mushy crap. Horrible. Even more horrible since God’s been telling me to disclose this to him for months…

I don’t have a happy ending to report…as of yet folks. Well, I guess I do. I’m doing much better. Haven’t cried about it since. I’m confident that God has a plan and that the main reason He discloses things to me is so when crap seems to be going wrong, I can have strength in knowing everything is going to be alright. Whew! Faith in God is absolutely essential. No matter what the heck your natural eyes see. God promised that my law firm will succeed. God promised me a musical career. God promised me BF and more babies and all that other great mommy stuff that I realized I didn't want to put off in order to “make it as a bigtime lawyer”. And I’m holding fast to His unchanging hand. Heck, to be honest, I don’t have any other viable options.

Until Manifestation,

TheWifeofUriah

A Letter to the Believer...

2009-05-26T16:42:00.064-04:00

Okay, so I'm doing it.

I'm finally going to speak on the issue of gay marriage. I have refrained from discussing the issue because (1) supporters of the GLBT community become infuriated and (2) Christian believers...um...become infuriated. I don't take it personally; I'm learning that NO ONE is ever satisfied with my logic - I confuse everyone. Heck, it even happens with my singing: churchgoers think it's too secular & the world thinks its too gospelly. (yea, I made that word up but my point remains.)

Alright - before I begin, please note that this is a letter to the Christian believer, which means you will automatically disagree with me from the jump if you don't believe that:

(a) the Bible is the inspired and infallible Word of God;
(b) that all human beings are born into sin and fall short of the standard of righteousness set by God;
(c) that the only means of being cleansed from sin is through repentance, faith in the precious Blood of Jesus Christ, and baptism in water;
(d) that regeneration by the Holy Ghost is absolutely essential for personal salvation; and
(e) the sanctifying power of the Holy Spirit enables the Christian to live a holy and separated life in this present world by indwelling in the Christian believer.

(Blogger's Note I: if your "Christian" church doesn't believe in the above minimum requirements, um, you may want to find a different church because your practicing something other than Christianity. Sorry you had to find out this way.)

(Blogger's Note II: if you are Christian, but you have no idea what (a) through (e) means nor why those tenets are important, you may want to find a different church - one that is teaching its members through study, discussion, and sermons.)

(Blogger's Note III: Whether you are a believer or not, I just hope you can follow this logic. Hopefully it will enable you to understand where opponents of gay marriage are coming from. No hard feelings?)

Okay, so here goes! *clears throat*

I believe that Christian believers must make it clear that there are two levels of acceptance with regard to the GLBT community. The Christian church must cease its gay bashing and judgmental practices (that's level number one), but vehemently oppose gay marriage (that's level number two).

(boo...hiss...) See, I told you. No one's going to be happy.

Level of Acceptance No. One: Our support for the GLBT community should be in refraining from gay bashing/harassment/ostracism because we should understand that sexuality (versus "sexual intercourse") is a neither heterosexual or homosexual but rather a continuum of curiosity fueled by one's desire to do what pleases self.

(Oh, man...the Pope is gonna burn me at the stake. No wait, he'll probably be thanking me. hee hee. Okay, so that was a horrible attempt at a priest-altar boy joke.)

What do I mean? I mean that Christians should realize that sexuality is a part of being human and because the Bible unequivocally states that we are conditioned to do whatever pleases our flesh, we shouldn't be surprised, disgusted, or judgmental regarding gay/lesbian, bisexual, or bicurious behavior. It's part of the human condition.

As a [Bible-reading] Christian, you should know that The Bible states that all are born into sin. Yes, from the moment you enter into the world from the womb, you are in a sinful state and thus prone to do whatever pleases you, without feeling bound by any rules. You also know that "sin" is best defined as any act or omission outside of the will of God. The Bible expressly states that sex was created by God and thus, in His will. However, God put rules around sex, namely carving out a prohibited category called "fornication" which includes: premarital sex, adultery, bestiality, and homosexuality. Now here's my point: if He didn't think we'd do it, there'd be no rule against it. Just like there's a rule against lying and stealing...God knew we'd do it because we're prone to do whatever makes us happy. I mean, who hasn't thought about entering a same-sex relationship or at least had a same sex crush? If you haven't, well, I'd say that you haven't really tapped into the depth of your sexuality yet...

But I digress.

This says to me that being gay, lesbian, bisexual, or bicurious isn't a minority or something weird or a mental disease, or gross, or nasty. It's a part of the human condition. Which means, yep, there are practicing and non practicing GLBT amongst us all when we're at church (See, look at you. Getting scared. ) It's a part of the human condition. (Think back to Ted Haggard...He fell to temptation. He saw something he wanted, made a decision to ignore the rule and the Holy Spirit, and he went and got it. We all do that. So shame on his church for exiling him, the unforgiving bastards. *sorry for that rant; it just burns me up*)

No...I'm going to keep ranting....

Church people can be the most judgmental people I've ever seen. How easily we forget our own pasts and the very reason Christ had to die! I'll be transparent here: I remember how certain church members looked down at me as an unwed pregnant teen. I was looked at with disgrace...it made me depressed. (I gained 80 lbs with my pregnancy…eating myself to obesity.) Sure, I broke one of God's rules and the evidence was plainly sticking from under my shirt. How shocked I was to learn how many other church people did and were doing it…covering it up with shot-gun weddings, going away for 9 months, or abortions! I'm not knocking them, but I was so pissed at how they all made me feel. I abstain from pre-marital sex now, but I shall never forget that I too once engaged in sinful sexual behavior and understand the "pull" it can have on your life, until and unless, you allow the power of the Holy Spirit to empower you to be free from the bondage of sin. And most importantly, I never lead myself to think that I'm invincible to the temptations of sin (whether sexual or not). It is a daily prayer and spiritual fight to remain right in the sight of God. This is why I refrain from gay bashing and judgment (and refrain from telling people that being gay is a big sin, while making exceptions for other sinful behavior, like lying). It is why I engage in free and open dialogue with Christians about sexuality. It is why I embrace everyone and refrain from treating them lovelessly (is that a word?) and without compassion. I've learned a lot about love and acceptance from some of my closest confidants and mentors, who are gay, and to be honest, they demonstrate love and acceptance on a level many so called "believers" cannot fathom (which is so ironic because Believers are supposed to be emulating the One who is Love...*sigh*)

So, just in case you missed all that: refrain from gay ostracism/isolation, harassment/embarrassment and bashing. Christ is not pleased with that behavior. At. All.

Level of Acceptance No. Two: Our support for the GLBT community should cease with regard to the sanctioning of the practice of homosexuality as acceptable because God has expressly stated that He is not pleased with same-sex relationships. As believers, we must vehemently oppose all that God opposes, without exception.

Yea....we're finally to the meat and potatoes.

This is the level of acceptance the GLBT wants. They want their sexual practice to be accepted and sanctioned as okay. If it were up to me, I would have no problem with accepting this. Love is love, caring is caring, and people should be free to be with whom makes them happy.

Unfortunately, I did not create human kind and the world. I'm not The Almighty. I'm not All-Knowing, Omnipresent, or Sovereign. So what I think is irrelevant.

God does have all those characteristics and in Him so being, He laid down some rules for His creation. Those rules to the believer are infallible. You either follow them or disobey them. The rules, my friends, are not optional. Not negotiable. You don't get to pick and choose which rules you want to obey (which is the main problem with Christianity today...*sigh*). And most importantly, it is irrelevant if you do not understand why God makes the rules He makes.

[I'll pause while that last sentence sinks in...]

So, as the Christian believer, we must oppose all that is opposed to God. God has given us power to bind things on Earth; He only steps in when we lack the power to act VERSUS when we fail to act. We must never sanction as "okay" behavior God has expressly prohibited. Thus, we must oppose the openly gay (practicing and unrepentant) from taking leadership positions in the Church. Most importantly, we must oppose gay marriage.

Now, this argument gets a little "slippery" because "the Church" and "Christians" have fudged up marriage so badly that virtually none of our arguments re the sanctity of marriage can hold water. Fortunately, that is not God's fault. His commandments, as He has given them, are concrete and unchanging. Marriage, as created by God (not by the Church or the State - for we all know both of them have dipped their agenda into marriage for their own economic benefit...but I digress) is an agreement between a man and a women saying: "Hey God, please recognize he and she as wanting to be one in Your sight so that we may operate as a ministry in your Kingdom, acknowledging each party as equal, with the Man in charge." And God recognizes their covenant by creating the sexual act - penetration of the hymen, thus shedding blood to "seal the covenant".

Yes, it's that simple. (and sheds light on how precious virginity is...)

So - on the one hand - we could allow gay marriage because in the sight of God, He wouldn't recognize it anyway.

But on the other hand - Christians must be bold as a lion and take a stand for what God says isn't acceptable.

Yes, it's that simple.

It's not gay bashing. I mean, if it's a fundamental requirement of the Christian purpose to spread the gospel as it is written...well, then some things we cannot just let "go".

And...this is why separation of Church and State is a fiction. A fallacy. Such separation can never exist for the Christian believer. Sure, the forefathers of our country said it should be - but they were all Christian and thus many Christian tenets (and some un-Christian tenets) were unwritten assumptions in everything they wrote. Sad, but true. If you start legislating things that religion governs and ultimately opposes, the believer cannot in good conscience, maintain separation.

Whew, I think I just blew my chances of being appointed to the US Supreme Court. Hmmm, but then again, maybe not.

Yea, it's gonna get ugly, and it's never going to get better.

Final Points:

I know some cannot separate acceptance into two layers like I did. They feel that the rejection of one part of them is to reject all of them. For this reader, I offer the following examples:

EXAMPLE ONE:
Rule: Please refrain from eating or talking in the sanctuary during worship service.
Parishioner eats and is always engaging in talking during worship.
Pastoral leaders reprimand Parishioner for breaking the rule.
Parishioner leaves the church, on her on volition, because she feels she isn't accepted by the church.

EXAMPLE TWO:
Rule: Do not break curfew.
Child breaks curfew.
Parent punishes child for breaking the rule.
Child runs away, thinking Parent does not love her.

Now don't these seem silly? Why? Because we know that Parishioner was not reprimanded because the Church did not accept her; she was reprimanded because the Church did not accept her behavior. Because we know that Child was not reprimanded because her Parent didn't love her; she was reprimanded because her Parent did not accept the behavior.

See? Two levels of acceptance here. Acceptance of the human being + Non-acceptance of behavior.

God operates in the same fashion. He loves each and every one of us and accepts each and every one of us as His creation. However, that does not mean He accepts all of our behavior. I'm not talking about just homosexuality, this includes lying, cheating, stealing, coveting, murdering, etc. He loves us all, but hates and cannot look upon behavior that is contrary to His will (i.e. sin). We Christians must operate in the same way. To be Christian is to be Christlike - embracing, and upholding His commandments as we spread the Gospel to the ends of the earth. Love your GLBT brothers and sisters, but don't fail to tell them that the Holy Ghost is available to empower them to change a behavior that God finds unacceptable. Do not buckle or waiver. These things are required of you.

Love,

TheWifeOfUriah

First Round Draft Pick - Part I: An Unexpected Revelation & Disguised Timeline

2009-05-24T19:00:00.010-04:00

Click Here to Read: First Round Draft Pick - An Introduction

It was October 2006. I was at church on a Wednesday night. I remember telling God about how much I was falling for this guy (who is now my current BF, hereinafter referred to as BF)...but I knew that upon graduating law school in the following months, I would be moving from the Midwest to the West Coast to sit for the bar exam and begin my career as a BigLaw lawyer.

I remember telling God that I was tired of worrying about whether the guy and I should discuss if he should move with me, or if we should try to date long distance...I was experiencing such emotional torment because we had been [non-exclusively] dating for a couple of years...and he had become a guy that I truly liked and respected. He was a great friend and we definitely had a great romantic relationship. I hadn't ever fallen for a guy like this before. To make matters worse, the relationship was on the brink of blossoming into something "steady" (I hate that term, but it works) but it wasn't at the point of me asking him to move OR him asking me to stay. The problem was that I knew that this job on the West Coast was where destiny would have me (yea, another time, another blog). So at this Wednesday service, the pastor was teaching and he said "Sometimes in order to have something you want, you have to let it go." So I poured my heart and soul out to God - and declared that, no matter what, I would let the man go. And I did just that. I let him go. I mean I still talked to him, spent time with him, and all that. But I let the worry, anxiety, and what-ifs go.

The following month, on the eve of Thanksgiving Day, I had the following dream:

***Begin Scene One: I saw BF's resume/a cover letter/job offer letter. It was white with blue borders. All I could read was the City and State of the address of the employer: "Certain City, Midwestern State". ***End Scene One***

***Begin Scene Two: I was standing in BF's home, staring out the living room window. I turned around and standing there was my daughter's father (hereinafter referred to as "the Ex"). He was smiling at me, cordially, and gesturing to me to follow him downstairs. So I followed him downstairs. At the bottom of the steps was a bathtub. The bathtub was an older type; actually sitting on "feet". The tub was full of bubbles and soap suds. Inside the tub were two dogs, a golden retriever and a boxer. At that moment, the Ex disappeared and BF was standing in his place. BF opened his arms toward the tub, as if to say "ta da". ***End Scene Two***

***Begin Scene Three: I was standing inside BF's home and the doorbell rang. BF's mother answered the door, and I saw myself and my Mother walk inside the home. I saw myself say, "Hi Mrs. BF's mom, this is my mother, Mother. Mother, this is BF's mom. And we all walked in and me, Mother, BF, and BF's mother sat down at the dining room table. ***End Scene Three***

***Begin Scene Four: [Blogger's Note: The following dream takes place in a certain geographical area, which plays an important role in dream interpretation. In an effort to maintain my and everyone else's anonymity, I typically stray from specifically naming people and geographical areas...that rule still stands here.] The dream takes place in a midwestern city on a well known Parkway (hereinafter referred to the "Street"). This Street is well known - it is virtually a boundary line. Go west of it? You're in the "hood". Go East of it? New pavement, new landmarks, new college campus housing, and the beauty of Downtown. On the curb of the intersection of the Street and another street, sits me and BF. We are romantically holding one another and kissing each other very romantically. Not a make-out session, but sharing a soft and tender moment. ***End Scene Four***

----

Okay, so after having those dreams, you can believe that I was cuhn-fused. At this stage in the game, I was a novice in interpreting my own dreams (Blogger's Note: I'm much better now, but I still feel like a novice); moreover, I hadn't ever had four dreams back-to-back in one night before. It was overwhelming. My male BFF, however, has the gift of dream interpretation. So, I call him, and begin to tell him my dreams. His interpretation was....so. on. point.

Dream One: BF was going to get a new job. He said that whatever stereotype or type of city Certain City, Midwestern State was - demonstrated the type of job opportunity BF would obtain. Well, the city is like a Beverly Hills: prestigious, a lot of wealthy people reside there. It is also an exclusive city, not just anyone is a resident of the area.

Dream Two: The Ex, since he was smiling, and not hostile, stands for "commitment". [Blogger's Note: One day I'll blog about the Rise and Fall of my relationship with Ex. For now, just know that despite the fact that the Ex was not the "one", I was committed to him and my daughter - for the sake of raising my family.) By BF taking the place of the Ex, he was thus making me an offer of commitment. The suds in the tub represented true romance - that our relationship was no fling. The Golden Retriever represented me; the Boxer represented BF. Male BFF pointed out that these type of dogs represented the nature of me and BF's relationship - I, a confident, capable woman. He, a protector and provider. Thus, concluding that no matter what, BF will always be able to care, provide for, and protect me. (Yea, wow.)

Dream Three: This is an event that will actually occur.

Dream Four: BF and I come from two completely different backgrounds, but our spiritual foundation is the same. This meant so much to me...as my Mother's main complaint about BF was that I am Pentacostal (COGIC), raised in a strict religious household...and BF is a devout Episcopal, who well...hadn't met Mother's approval. This was music to my ears! (Blogger's Note: this revelation from God himself made me realize that many Christians have imposed stupid dating rules and requirements on themselves and other Christians...like: you shouldn't date someone who isn't "saved" (i.e. or pretend to be saved like so many Christians, but that's another time, another blog) or attends your church, or isn't of your same faith/denomination. Had I followed those rules, I would have missed out on one of the greatest persons that ever happened to me!)

---

In July 2008, BF got a job. The name of the company? Exclusive ******** *******. The company's colors? Blue and White.

In August 2008, I took a weekend off from West Coast to visit BF. He wanted to have dinner with my mom and the remainder of the weekend, he and I stayed at his crib. It was a very romantic weekend, but the entire point of it all? he continued to reinforce what he could offer me.

And I realized then...that God had not only told me who BF was going to be in my life, but had given me a timeline. So I began to pack my things on the West Coast. I submitted my letter of resignation to BigLaw in October 2008. I moved back to the Midwest in November 2008.

And I haven't looked back.

Until the manifestation of Dream No. 3 and natural evidence of Dream No. 4,

TheWifeofUriah

My name is Miss Jenkins...and you aint hear it from me...

2009-05-21T16:53:00.007-04:00

One of the things I don't enjoy is dreaming about people other than me. Now before you call me narcissistic or selfish - hear me out. My dreams involve other people all the time. Sometimes they are making a cameo appearance and playing their actual self. Sometimes they are standing in the place of someone else and thus playing a stereotype or symbolic role. Those types of appearances, in and of itself, are cool. What is NOT cool is when someone makes a cameo or symbolic appearance and the dream is telling me about something bad happening in his/her life.

Why? Because, initially, I'm never quite sure why God has given me the information. I have learned that when you don't know what to do, just stand still and wait. Wait until you hear God speak. But while waiting, I have to deal with the fact that I know something is going to jump off, but may be unable to warn the affected party(s).

Case-in-point: I have a dear friend and colleague. She and her spouse are planning on having a baby soon. They've been together forever (like 10+ years I think) and are finally ready to begin raising children.

Fantastic.

Well, the other night, I have a dream that my friend's spouse was with another woman...

***Begin Scene: I am in a high rise building. It's an office building; a law office building. I'm quite a few floors up because one wall is completely nothing but windows and I can see nothing but blue sky and the tops of buildings.

I am standing in the lobby/reception area, in nicely tailored business attire - a light tan/brown pants suit with a bright colored top - looking at a painting that is on the wall. My former reporting partner/supervising partner (hereinafter referred to as "Bossman") came into the lobby and commented on how great I looked and how slim I was. (Blogger's Note: See blog "The Day the Pork Died" for a better understanding of why he would make such a comment re my look and weight.) Next, I turned and laid down on a chaise that was in the lobby. A white girl, who was a lawyer in the ATL office of a firm I used to work for (who was laid off by that ATL office), came into the lobby and began to complain about how she was unable to meet her billable hour requirement. Matter of fact, the feeling in the entire room was that no one in the firm was able to meet their billables because there just wasn't enough work to do.

Anyway, I was laying on the chaise, contemplating how I too, would meet my billable requirement when two black women walk past the chaise towards the stairs. These two women had tribal painting on their faces and around their eyes, but were dressed in normal attire. One of the women I recognized as the spouse of one of my friends. Now, here's where things get weird.

The friend's spouse looks at me, but says nothing. She just walks past me. Me, on the other hand, I notice her, but my mind is so preoccupied with the billable hour issue, I don't realize that I didn't speak until after friend's spouse and the other woman went into the stair well. Once they went into the stairwell, I said to myself, "Crap, I didn't say hi to Friend's Spouse. I don't want her to think I was ignoring her because I was around my work colleagues." So I get up off the chaise, and open the door to the stairwell. By the time I open the door, Friend's Spouse is already down on the second flight of stairs, so I can't see her. But the other woman was visible. I shouted "Friend's Spouse's Name! Hey, just wanted to say what's up and make sure you didn't think I was ignoring you". She answered, "Yea, uh, hey, what's up" but she never came back up the stairs to show her face. The other woman, however, looked at me, and started smiling. Not a friendly smile. But a coy smile. An "i know something you don't" smile. I shut the stairwell door.

All of sudden, I'm in a hair salon - it resembles a popular urban eastside hair salon in the midwestern city where I live. Friend's Spouse and the woman were there. There was a bunch of gossiping and hair frying going on in there. End Scene***

-----

I'm praying to God right now. First, I have no idea what the first half of my dream is even talking about. Second, I'm beginning to think that the second half of my dream is telling me that my Friend's Spouse is considering (or maybe already is) moving on. It's all too much. All I can do is wait...and that scares me.

Until manifestation,

TheWifeOfUriah

First Round Draft Pick: An Introduction

2009-05-14T21:32:00.012-04:00

This weekend my BF is going out of town...again. He'll be on the Northern portion of the East Coast to see about a client...again. No big deal - it's his job. I'm just glad his roommate is also out of town so I can stay at his house all weekend instead of my granny's. =)

What BF doesn't know is that I know that during this business excursion, he'll be cutting off his last "friend". For those who follow me on Twitter, you know that I moved away from BF in December 2006. Our relationship was not exclusive, so we were both dating other people; but I knew that in his heart, I was his first round draft pick, just as much as he was mine.

But in late 2008, I moved back. It was a sudden move. During a visit in August of 2008, I let him know of my intent to move back home. In October of 2008, I visited again for job interviews. In November 2008, I relocated. [Yea, I was not playing around.] The good thing about moving back was that I knew BF and I would resume dating. The drawback of such a sudden relocation is that now he must deal with the other women he was currently dating.

Some women would be offended by this. Not me. I think it's a natural process of dating. While dating BF, I dated numerous people prior to moving to the West Coast and while living on the West Coast and since I knew I was moving back, I took steps to cut these men off before moving back home. BF didn't have that advantage. So I know he's been spending quite a bit of time dealing with these women - ignoring phone calls, text messages, explaining why he has been limiting his contact, etc. Again, some women would be offended by this. Not me. At least I know that he was actively in the dating pool and has had plenty of opportunity to compare and contrast me to a bunch of other women - this lessens the risk that he questions his decision that I'm the one, that he'll resent being with me over someone else, or ever think "what if I'd dated that one girl".

But I can't pretend that I just knew we'd be together or that I just know he's cutting off other women...In the next five blogs, I present a series of dreams I've had over the last 3 years that let me know that my BF was "the one" and have forever changed the way I view dating and relationships.

Enjoy!

First Round Draft Pick - Part I:
An Unexpected Revelation & Disguised Timeline

First Round Draft Pick - Part II:
Hi, this is [the Wife of Uriah]...but don't peep!

First Round Draft Pick - Part III:
The Train & The Pantry.

First Round Draft Pick - Part IV:
Hi, this is [the Wife of Uriah]...and I've chosen her.

First Round Draft Pick - Part V:
A Timeline of Comedy, Church, Sorors, and Cake.

[Note: I'll link each blog once each entry is completed.]

The Day the Pork Died...

2009-05-13T19:39:00.019-04:00

I apologize in advance for the length of this blog...but you'll be glad you read it.

-------

Pork. Once, pork was a staple food in my life. Really, more like the foundation of my food pyramid as a die-hard Atkins dieter (which is a diet program I advocate for the obese). But in June 2009, I will be celebrating one year pork and beef free. In June 2008, I read a book that changed my life: The UltraSimple Diet by Dr. Mark Hyman. I was suffering from so many health related issues at the time I found this book: I was 210 pounds, picking up bacterial infections from every clinic, spa, hotel, and gym I visited (even the flesh eating, boil creating kind), and my hair was dry and brittle. My skin was so oily, I could have bottled it and labeled it "canola". The oil created super clogged pores. I was always bloated, irritable, and zapped of energy. I looked a mess. (Thanks, BigLaw! smooches!)

Anywhoo, so I read this book and it pointed to a program of balanced eating.

If you know anything about balanced eating, it typically excludes beef and pork and emphasizes organic lean chicken and wild fish (like salmon). After further research, I realized Dr. Hyman was promoting a macrobiotic way of eating. I lost 50 pounds, all of my health issues disappeared, my skin glowed, the weight loss was natural looking. Because my body healed itself, without prescription medication, I decided that I wanted my daughter to eat more balanced. Yes, I decided to exclude beef and pork from her diet...I want her to know that these should not be staple foods.

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So, as my Blogger and Twitter followers may know, I left West Coast BigLaw, with my school aged daughter in tow, to move back in with my Mother in her relatively small midwestern home while I studied for another bar exam and took steps to establish and build my own law firm. As you can expect, things got a little tense in that house. There were a few dynamics in play. First, Mother-Daughter-Grandaughter. Second, Mother-Daughter + Mother-Daughter. Third, Adult + Adult + Child. A fellow blogger, Anesidora, once said to me "You can't have two mothers in one house" and that she'd rather dive head first off the roof of her house than to stay with her mother. Boy, was she right.

My mother and I clashed severely during this time. The struggle: who is the parent to my daughter. The incident: my mother's repeated disregard of my wish that my daughter refrain from gorging on food that should be limited. Things such as, bacon, pork chops, flour gravy, hamburger, steak, eating an entire box of fruit snacks, eating 3 plates from the Chinese buffet, eating 3 orange cream fudgecicles in one sitting. Her argument: that she's the grandparent and that's what grandparents do. My argument: it is my parental wish that my daughter be raised to learn a healthier way to eat and that my mother was over stepping her boundaries and "usurping" my parental decision making power. Moreover, we LIVE in her house, so "grandparenting" must be exercised wisely. (Note: I love the word "usurping". Reminds me of one of the duties of loyalty re Corporations Law in law school). Her rebuttal: She thinks my idea is stupid. My re-rebuttal: As long as you're on 60 different medications for health issues related to eating unhealthily...um, you're stupid, I mean, my idea is not stupid. (Plus, my BF is a vegetarian. Daughter's about to live in a home with a macrobiotic and a vegetarian. Isn't it best to wean her now? But I digress...)

Anyway, so after sitting for the bar exam, I took a trip to the East Coast to kick it with a good high school friend and see NY, NJ, and other great sights. Because I have such a great BFF back home, she graciously kept my daughter FOR FREE during the trip since my Mother was out of town for some church convention that weekend. The deal, however, was that my Mother would pick Daughter up on Sunday. I was to return Monday afternoon.

On Sunday, I called BFF to speak to Daughter. She said that my mother met her at a popular Soul Food Restaurant to get daughter. End of that.

About a week after returning back home, I was sitting in my home office, when my mother came in the room and sat on my futon. Daughter came in right behind her. The the following conversation ensued:

Mother: GrandDaughter, wasn't that PORK CHOP we had at SoulFood Restaurant, soooooo gooooood?

Daughter: MMMMMM HMMMMM! ***insert pic of Daughter rubbing her belly***

Me: You ordered her pork? Are you deliberately trying to make me mad? I don't understand? Why would you order her pork when we have repeatedly had the conversation that I do not wish for my daughter to eat beef or pork?

Mother: Well, the food was already ordered by the time I got there.

I immediately turned my head back to my computer screen because at that point, my mother shifted the blame to my BFF. But it didn't make any sense. My BFF knows I do not eat pork. She knows I don't want Daughter to eat pork. More importantly, she knows me and my Mother have been fighting about Daughter eating pork, so why in the WORLD would she order pork!?!?!?!! Okay, so end of conversation. My mother walked out the room, with a smirk on her face, and full of glee. I thought nothing else about it.

Fast forward about 2 weeks. BFF and I are at her apartment. It's her last day to move out and I was helping her get the last few items. We realized that we didn't have the correct tools to take down her girls' bunk beds, so we hopped in the car to CVS to get the right tools and stopped at Wendy's for chicken and fries (not me, though. Just unsweetened tea until I get home to my miso soup, chicken, and brown rice). And we're just chatting and talking...and to be honest, I dont know how the SoulFood restaurant came up, but this conversation ensued:

Me: yea, I mean, my mother told me that you ordered Daughter pork at the SoulFood restaurant, and that's okay cuz...

BFF: WHAT!?!?!?! *choking on Wendy's french fry*

Me. yea, my mom told me that when she arrived at the SoulFood Restaurant, you had ordered Daughter pork....

BFF: I DID NOT!!! When your mom got to the SoulFood Restaurant, we hadn't even seen a waitress yet! No one had even come to the table yet!!! WHAT!?!?!?!

Me: [SCREECH!!!!] ***I almost bring the car to a halt in the middle of the road*** Wait, a minute, what??

BFF: YES! I was going to order all the kids chicken (Blogger's Note: BFF has four children. Yes, all by the same man. Yes, that man is her husband.) But you're mom came in and ordered Daughter pork. I told her that you would be mad, but your mom turned to my mom and commented on how stupid she thinks your idea is. You can ask [my] mommy and [my husband]! They were there!

Okay, so after hearing this, I snapped. And I sent my mother a text message. It was 4 times 140 characters long. I can't remember it verbatim, but it said something about her lying to me, shifting the blame to my friend, I don't apologize for this message, and that I was angry, disappointed, and disgusted with her ulterior motives.

Prior to hitting "send", I heard my brain say, "You know, a text message is not the right medium." But my brain also reasoned, "but if you wait to have this conversation like an adult, you're probably less likely to fully assert yourself because you know your mom is going to pull that "I'm the mother, this is my house crap." So I hit "send" with a vengeance.

As soon as I hit "send", I remembered my car-in-a-thunderstorm/landing-in-a-pond dream, and said to myself, "I'm about to get put out."

My mother text me and accused my BFF of being a liar. Then, my mother even called my BFF, stating she needed to hear BFF's account of what happened (Blogger's Note: How guilty does she look? Sheesh). BFF told her exactly what she told me in the car. Despite calling her a liar early, my mother affirmed that BFF's account was exactly what happened. (Blogger's Note: Weird.) When I finally decided to answer my mother's phone calls, she said that she never said that the food was ordered before she got there. At that point, I lost it...again. I couldn't believe she was trying to make me think I'm crazy! I told her that her attempt to save face was futile. She said I needed to apologize for speaking to her in that manner since I was her mother. I told her I was not apologizing. She told me that I needed to go live with BFF. Hmmm, but I knew that BFF no longer has her own apartment...

Yep, I got put out, with really no place for me and Daughter to go...

About 5 hours later, BF called - to see if he and I were still going to this party...when I told him what happened, and he rescued me...and let me stay at his crib. No big deal, because he is my BF. But if you read my blog "Bump Set Spike....***and rescue me, please***", you'll know what I've discovered now - that this was the beginning of something much bigger than me...

There Was an Old Lady Who Lived In A Shoe...

2009-05-11T12:09:00.006-04:00

So...for those who may follow me on Twitter, you know that I was living with my mother since my relocation from the West Coast. And you'd know that we had an altercation on April 3, 2009 (see the blog "The Day The Pork Died") and I was put out. Horrible, but true. Anyway, I've been a nomad since then. I've been staying at my BFs, at an extended stay hotel, and now...at my granny's house. I never thought it would come to this, but I dont' know why cuz I had the following dream a month or so before the pork met its (un)timely ...

***Begin Scene: I was at my grandmother's house. So was BF. We were getting ready for bed and I went into the spare bedroom where my great-grandmother sleeps when she's here (my grandmother and great aunt share the responsibility of caring for my great-grandmother - alternating months). I got into the bed to go to sleep, but BF did not get into the bed with me. There was a couch in the room that he slept on. All of a sudden, my ex's wife is in the bed with me. [yea! Totally weird!]. Hereinafter, we shall refer to ex's wife as "Doo-Doo Bird". [Just kidding. Let's call her **2nd Place**.]

Okay, so we go to sleep: BF on couch in the room, Me and 2nd Place in the twin sized bed. In the middle of the night, 2nd Place goes to the bathroom. When she does, BF gets up and says "eff this!" and climbs into the bed with me. [Blogger's commentary: I have no idea where 2nd Place sleeps after returning from the bathroom, but it wasn't the twin bed.]

The next morning, me and BF are lying in bed laughing and joking around when my mobile device rings. It's my mother announcing that she is on her way to my grandmother's house. After speaking with her, I hang up the phone and turn to BF and say, "Ugh, get up. My mom's on her way over." When we get up, 2nd Place is in the room. When I notice her looking at me and BF, I mumble to myself, "Great. Now she's going to tell the Ex." After gathering all of my stuff to take a shower, I peer out the door into the hallway. My grandmother is standing in the hallway, like "Do you need anything? Is everyone okay and comfortable? Do whatever it is that you need to do." So I go to take a shower. When I step into the bathroom, the bathroom floor is extremely slippery and it is three dimensional. When I say three dimensional, I mean that parts of the floor are raised, some parts are flat, and other parts sink into the floor - making it extremely difficult and dangerous to walk on. I manage to navigate my way to taking a shower. Upon leaving the bathroom, 2nd Place is waiting to get into the bathroom. I look at her and say "You need to be really careful when you get into that bathroom. It is really dangerous in there." 2nd Place just looked at me with a blank face. So I walk away to the room and get dressed.

After getting dressed, I hear the doorbell ring and I go to answer it. I open the door, but no one is there. But in the driveway are three cars: My car, BF's car, and 2nd Place's car. The were parked right next to each other and each of them are facing forward - ready to go out of the driveway. All of a sudden, I get an urge to check the backdoor, thinking that the person who rang the door bell is now trying to enter the house through the back door, but there was no one there. So, I began to walk back down the hallway and 2nd Place was in the bathroom still, but looking int he linen closet for towels/washcloths. I warned her again saying, "You need to really be careful in that bathroom. It is very slippery and dangerous." But she again looked at me with blank stare.

Next thing I remember? Everyone got in their cars and left out of the driveway. End Scene***

Bump, Set, Spike! and rescue me, please

2009-04-20T16:47:00.008-04:00

Today was the first day of volleyball league at my gym. Such an exciting day! I've been waiting for this day for about 1.5 months! I've recently lost a lot of weight (like 50 lbs worth) that I gained during my two year stint practicing in Los Angeles BigLaw (insert crowd booing here). With my new weight and new found energy, I decided to pick up the long lost sport of Volleyball. I haven't played this sport in about 10 years, but it is such a great sport and when I played it, I had one of the hardest, feminine bodies ever (yes, female volleyball players have the best feminine physique of all female athletes, don't believe me? Well, it's probably because you're a non-VB female athlete.) So, I felt that in addition to my lifting, running, and elliptical-ing at the gym, playing a game or two of VB could be a great way to add diversity to my work out, as well as meet new people and really integrate myself into this midwestern city. Anywhoo, I just got "home" (I'll explain the usage of quotations in another blog, another time) and am glad I am playing. I met some new people, like Old Guy (he was a hot older white guy who was definitely trying to holla; if he does anything worth discussing...you already know - another time another blog). I got a few bruises from sliding on the floor (uh, I am not 15 yrs old anymore)...they hurt. But it was fun and overall, I feel good.

The start of VB also is important because about a month or two ago, I had this dream...

*****Begin Scene: I was at my mother's current home. All of a sudden, it began to rain. Not a down pour, but a flashflood thunderstorm. I was standing in the front door watching the sky turn dark grey and lightening flash and rain pour down. The rain was pouring down so fast and so hard that it began to accumulate. Parked outside, in front of the house, was my car. The floodwaters were so high that it picked my car up off the ground and it began to float. Suddenly, the waters became violent - tossing my car to and fro. It tossed the back end of my coupe so hard that it crashed into my mother's home. The collision literally made a gaping hole in the foundation of my mother's home.

Then my car began to float across the street. It floated in between the two houses and began to float behind those two houses. I began to run after my car because, in the dream, I could see that there was a pond/lake behind those two houses. I was screaming "no! don't go into the pond!" While I was running, I noticed that a man was also chasing after his vehicle, trying to prevent it from landing in the pond too. Despite my efforts my car landed in the pond anyway. I stood there pondering whether to jump in and save it. All I can remember is saying to myself, "Oooh, this water looks sooo cold!" But I jumped in anyway and began to try to get my car out of the pond. Despite my efforts, I was pullng out nothing but seeweed. Then I heard a man ask me if I needed help getting my things out of the pond. I turned around and it was a big lightskinned guy. He jumped in the pond and began to help me salvage not only my car, but some of my other things, including a pair of volleyball kneepads. Then, I heard another voice asking if we needed any help. It was a white lady, in her early 30s, with blond hair. We looked at her and told her "no" and I turned to the guy and began to help him salvage *his* items out of the pond. And we were laughing at ourselves during this process. End Scene.****

Blogger's Note: First, there is a pond behind the two houses in front of my mother's home. However, the pond in my dream was surrounded by homes with a layout different than that of my mothers. The pond in my dream, however, was surrounded by homes with the exact layout of my BF's housing community. The big lightskinned guy? Looked and walked just like my BF. The white lady with blond hair? Looked exactly like my BF's next door neighbor, who I know and speak with often.

Let's Get Some Brunch...While I Wait.

2009-04-19T18:34:00.000-04:00

Today, I had brunch with my sorority sisters. It was an event I have been looking forward to attending for months. It has been nine years since I have attended our induction chapter's annual scholarship brunch. I had my clothes picked out several days in advance. =)

I went to bed kinda late the night before though; I couldn't sleep. My boyfriend has been acting so inconsistently lately. One day he's acting "normal"; other days, he's distant. He went out of town this weekend to Orlando...again. The second time in 30 days. The reason for the first trip? to pick up his beloved dog (we'll call him "Boxer") from his mother's home. She had had Boxer for about four months (I will try to explain this another time, another blog). Literally one month later, he's going back to that city...no small task since he and I live in a midwestern city.
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I prayed for God to give me understanding in this situation. Once I finally fell asleep, I had this dream...

*****Begin Scene: I was in my childhood home (um, actually it's more like my teenage home since I lived there only from ages 14 through 17). I was my current age (27.75) and on the home's second level. My mother was there as well as an overnight guest of my mom's (no improper behavior should be inferred here; the guest was one of my mom's closest girlfriends from when we lived in KS during early 80's. What's so crazy is that this friend is currently staying at my mom's current residence for the next 7 days.) Anywhoo, either the doorbell rang, or someone knocked at the door. My mother answered and it was my boyfriend, his mom, and about two other couples (whom I cannot identify nor describe; I could just sense they were there). They all came in and kind of huddled around one another and were chatting excitedly. My boyfriend, however, was sitting on one of the couches tinkering on his Blackberry (I hate that darn thing, but that's another time, another blog). I was at the bottom of the stairs as I watched everyone. I went to go join in the excited chatter but realized I wasn't appropriately dressed. Everyone else was kind of dressed up. I'm not talking about formal wear, but they were all dressed to go out for a night on the town. So I went back upstairs to put on some clothes.

I remember going through a pile of clothes and picking up a caramel colored satin gown/robe and thinking, "nah, that's too sexy for this occasion". Then all of a sudden, my boyfriend was upstairs with me. He leaned toward me and said, "When we pulled up to the house, my mother said, '*This* is [The Wife of Uriah]'s house?'" (Commentary: Boyfriend's mom did not say this with disgust or sarcasm. It was more of a tone of shock re disbelief or one of amazement or good impression). We laughed and then I grabbed a terry bathrobe, threw it on and went downstairs to mingle.

When I returned downstairs everyone was seated and watching a movie. Boyfriend was back on the couch fiddling with that friggin Crackberry (insert picture of me stomping on that Blackberry like schizophrenic leprechaun. But I digress). What's so crazy is that it wasn't buzzing nor was he texting, he was just like occupying his time, or appearing to be busy. Aywhoo, there wasn't anyplace to sit down, so I sat on the floor in front of one of the couches...in front of Boyfrend's mom...leaning up against her leg. Sitting next to Boyfriend's mother was a female - she appeared to be one of the women from the unidentifiable couples. She was older than me, about 7 to 10 years older. She looked like a stay at home mom who just recently had a baby. She just had that "I haven't had any sleep, let alone any time to take care of myself" worn out look.

After I sat down, two baby girls, dressed alike and appearing to be similar in age, began crawling towards me, giggling and cooing. I immediately became happy and excited and reached out to them. All of a sudden, a chihauhah with unicorn/horse legs jumped into my lap. Boyfriend's mom chuckled and said something to the effect that it was her dog.

Anywhoo, I realized at that moment that I hadn't formally greeted Boyfriend's mom despite the fact that I was leaning all up against her leg! So I turned to her and said something to the effect, "Can you believe that I came down here, didn't say a word, but done laid all up against your leg?" Boyfriend's mom laughed boistrously and said something to the effect, "Girl! You're alright! You know I don’t care about you being on my leg." (Commentary: In reality, me and Boyfriend's mom are cool. I've gotten to know her over the 4.75 years that me and Boyfriend have known each other. She loves me. I'm her fave; she considers me family. Yea, she told me that (not that "fave" part; the "family" part =) )

I turned and looked at Boyfriend; he was still engaged with the technology. Sitting next to him was a male - I sensed that he was one of the men of the unidentified couples. I'm going to refer to him as "The Devil". I say this because he resembled someone in my past when I lived on the West Coast. He was a church member who hated me so much that he did a lot of things to tear me down. A definite enemy. Anywhoo, I got up from the floor and walked over to Boyfriend and The Devil and sat in between them. Boyfriend put away the 'Berry. (Finally.)

The next thing I remember is being fully dressed and everyone is leaving the house (sans my mother and her overnight guest.) We end up in like a downtown/oldtown area. I am driving alone in my own car - and driving down a sidewalk - following Boyfriend's mother as she walks down the sidewalk to enter a bar. All of a sudden, an older gentleman appears (he appears to be around Boyfriend's mother's age) and he begins to escort Boyfriend's mother into the bar. Boyfriend's mother turns and looks at me, smiles and giggles and kicks her leg behind her into the air - delighted with the company of this older gentleman. Right before she and the gentleman disappear into the bar, she turns and winks at me.

I put my car in reverse and began to back up to gain reentry to the street (there were barriers on the sidewalk's curb preventing me from gaining direct access to the street). While backing up, I saw Boyfriend driving past me and drive behind the bar. He was driving a black, dented and scratched hatchback. (Commentary: In reality, Boyfriend has been driving a luxury SUV for the entire time I've known him. Yea, so weird). I drove off down the street to try to catch him…As I crossed an intersection, I saw him coming from the left - a one way street. But I turned left anyway - yes going the wrong way down a one way - so I could do a U-turn to get behind him. I followed him…the next thing I saw was Boyfriend and I in a house on the upper floor - I'm not going to lie - it appeared and felt like it was a duplex…there was one door to my left, one door to my right, and a door in front of me. I opened the door in front of me and Boyfriend was on the toilet, taking a serous crap. He was grunting and turning bright red. Upon seeing him, I said, "Ugh! [Boyfriend]! Dang!" and I shut the door. Then I went into the door on the left. End Scene*****